I don't know why but for the past week and coming into this one I've been very.... agitated. I mean, by the end of the week it all started to get better. I started to feel a bit lighter. Then the weekend came. I actually had a really long conversation with Rick about ghosts and Ghost Hunters. It was rather interesting. Then I had to go to Hannah's and watch scary movies which didn't freak me out as much as I thought they would, but that's probably because I had people to hold hands with. Hahaha! Then Momo came over for a while until her parents came to pick her up. It was nice talking with her, we had a real intense conversation. So what got me agitated? I don't know. Probably Rick. I've found that whenever I see him I get this sick feeling in my chest and feel like I just want to run in the other direction. Maybe I shouldn't go to his homeroom anymore. I was thinking about that, just leaving him alone for a while. I'm probably annoying him anway with all the texting. I'm the one who always starts a conversation. I'll give him a break. So I guess this all has bothered me more than I thought? I don't know. I want to get over it. I'm really getting sick of guys in general actually. Maybe I should just go with whatever and leave the choosing to them. I won't choose. I still feel like his friends are keeping an eye on me. especially Scott Cope. He just gives me this look sometimes when he sees me, like he knows something I don't... Kind of freaks me out a bit. I really want to know! I dunno. Rick seems to be avoiding talking to me in person, i think he feels really awkward about last weekend. And I sure seem to be talking a lot about him lately. Sorry about that. Never mind it, I'm just venting. So now what? What do I do? I'm really having one of those I-wish-I-were-cool moments. It's really pathetic actually, makes me want to slap myself in the face. And that's saying something. But yeah, just feeling down for no good reason it would seem. I'm just goiing to give him some space for a while and see what happens to that feeling in my chest. Go with the flow as always.

If you haven't noticed, I've been kind of depressed since Monday. Well, let me explain it 'cause I think I own it to you. Sunday night Jamie, Holly, Rick and I went to the movies and saw Zombieland. Great right? You'd think this would be the start to a great week. I mean, he and I sat next to each other, we made fun of the movie, we both moved one row forward since no one else was in the theatre and Jamie and Holly were being loud. It was great. We had fun. So then the movie ends and we all have to leave, him first since his parents got there early. He asked me if I'd be there at rehearsal the next day, I said yeah and he smiled and left. About two to three minutes after that he started to text me. Made funny comments about Jamie and Holly's loudness and then we got kind of quiet. So this is how the next few texts went:

Me- "So..."
Rick- "Yeah?"
Me- "I don't know.....I think I might like you..."
Doesn't respond for a bit.
Rick- "Think? You mean as a friend or....not?"
Me- "Both? But I'm scared, not gonna lie."
Rick- "What? I'm not a zombie I don't bite."
Me- "Haha Yeah I guess you're not."
Silence....
Rick- "So, what do you want to do?"
Me- "I don't know. Besides, I don't know how you feel..."
Rick- "Well, I don't want to be a jerk but I mostly think of you as a friend..."

Get it? I knew this would happen too. I told Brittany and Jamie both that if I brought it up it would go badly, that he would say something like, "Nope, sorry just want to be friends."

I guess you think I'm being silly for getting so upset about something like that huh? I think so too. But here's the thing. I see something in him, the way he talks, the way he thinks. I don't know what it is but it draws me in. Like with Bryan... And it made me really scared. It frightened me so much that when I even thought of telling him that I'd start to panic. My heat would start to race and I would clench my fists together tightly. You can imagine how I was when I actually told him. I was probably holding the phone so hard I almost broke it. I had to actually trick myself into sending the damn words. and now he seems to be avoiding me. Brittany said that Greg told her he felt really bad about it. That he was scared. I don't even know anymore. I don't know what to think. Was I just imagining things between us for the past three weeks? Was it all in my head? What if he's just friendly like that with everyone? Oh joy... Funny thing is that I don't think it's over yet. I don't know why but I still get this feeling. It messes with me too because I feel bad about ever saying anything at all. I actually had to go home today because the anxiety made me dizzy and gave me a massive headache. It wouldn't go away for a good hour. Now all that's left is the traces of the stupid headache and a whole lot of grief. I feel bad about how I'm treating the people around me. I don't want to ruin their day or something by acting all depressed around them. Jamie said I should move on to a new guy or something. I don't want to though. It's not just the Rick thing that's making me upset though. It's like that was just the thing that opened the gate. Like it was the last straw. The problems in my own family suddenly seem so terrible to me. So real. My aunt is dying, my cousins are far away and upset, my other aunt is freaking out, my dad is just unpleasant most of the time to me and my mom has been getting on my case about a lot of things in the same week. My sister is freaking PREGNANT! I mean, she seems happy and all, but it worries me that she's so young and hasn't really got a stable job and Mike is so inconsistent. The two came over the other day and we all watched baseball. Me, dad, Zof, Mike all sitting in front of the TV shouting at the Yankees telling them to run run run! It was the first time I'd actually felt like a family. I thought back too. I couldn't remember a single moment in which we'd ever felt like a real family. Never, not once did we have a happy moment together that didn't turn ugly. And now Rick is getting to me on top of everything else. I'm so close to snapping. I did a little on Sunday night. Almost during gym on Monday. I feel terrible and I know this probably doesn't compare to your problems. You don't have to feel bad or anything at all I really don't mind. I'm used to it. But my hold on that mask covering my feelings is beginning to slip again. I've wondered before if that pain underneath would ever go away. I've asked it to and tried so hard to get it to stop but it just won't. I've thought of killing myself before, but I'd never actually do it. I've thought how much better would it be to just end. If everything would just go away it would be so much easier. But nothing seems to help and when I ask for it from the people around me I can't seem to be able to show them how much it hurts without scaring them. I just want to to stop for a week at least. I don't want to feel alone because i know I'm not. I don't want to feel afraid because I know there's nothing to fear. I don't want to think that death would be better because I know it isn't. For the last few years I got to see what its like to have such good friends, such close people that actually care. It was the closest thing I had to a real family. And now I don't know what to think. I can't keep fooling myself. I don't want to let it explode one day and actually do something rash. I don't even know.... I just want it all to stop. even for a minute.

So I decided to ask Rick today if he was free anytime during the Apple festival. Well, turns out that he's going to the PSAT's too on Saturday morning. (Will be walking with Luke there from home. should be fun. Miss hanging with the guy.) He said he might be free after that until about 1:30. I knew he was working for most of the time during the festival but hey, I thought why not? I need to change my strategy of talking to guys I like. Usually I wait for them to do something, anything and I just give little innuendos. So here I was, expecting him to say, "Yeah, why?" Nope. Not what happens to my delight. He goes, "yeah, want to have lunch together?" HA! Eat that you stupid dating tendency! I am freaking learning how to avoid you! So yeah. But then again, the next thing he said was, "Is anyone else going?" I'm still confused. Anyone want to help? I'm really bad at reading signs when they involve me. I thought maybe he just gets nervous if it's just the two of us? Oh well. I'm going to try anyways. Well, he's texting me, so hey at least we're conversing. This is good. I'm going to keep a positive attitude. Joke around, be myself. I'm not going to be so distant to new people, that is my resolve for the new school year.

Oh, and this is an unspoken thing I thought I might just make sure we all know. No talking about this in school. xD LOVE YOU!



PS. sorry about being all moody this week. Been hard. I don't really like living with my dad. Especially when he's in a bad mood.